


We're like brothers, right?!

by unnideul



Category: Captain America (Movies), Deadpool (2016), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Absolute crack fiction, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Deadpool - Freeform, Deadpool meets Bucky, Fucking up all your cinematic universes, Gen, MARVEL MEETS MARVEL, Steve Rogers really has no purpose, Wade Wilson - Freeform, how many times can you insult Captain America?, mcu - Freeform, nothing explicit but lots of cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-16 22:24:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7287079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unnideul/pseuds/unnideul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Absolutely 100% crack fiction in which Wade Wilson goes on a search for more enhanced super-folks and finds none other than Bucky Barnes.</p><p>Hilarity, cursing and amazement at metal arms ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're like brothers, right?!

The Avengers compound. You couldn't believe how fucking easy it was to find this place -- I mean it! Literally, I typed into the ol' Google 'Avengers New York City' and just like magic it gave me a map right to the place.

Who knew the Internet was so wonderful?! I've just been using it to look at freaky porn all this time.

And, if the map wasn't helpful enough, there was the giant ‘Avengers' plastered across the front of it. Oh, Tony Stark, you master of discretion, you. Just because something doesn't have your name on it anymore doesn't mean it won't still get blown up. 

(I'll save that for the next blockbuster film, though.)

What am I doing here, you might be asking yourself? You don't belong in this timeline Wade (wow, fuck you naysayers, read a comic why don't you?), what are you thinking?!

Word has it there's another super freak like myself hanging around here -- and I'm not talking that Stars and Stripes wearing fucker either, he's got enough credit going towards him. This guy is the real deal, killing machine type that makes my heart all fluttery like a wet little school girl.

Oh yes, Daddy's liked what he's heard. 

Back to the story here, though.

It was even fucking easier to get inside this place, Tony Stark's middle name definitely isn't 'Maxium Security' (I bet it's something like Howard, wouldn't that just be the bee's knees?), and I guess when you show up in red spandex, they assume you're working for the good guys.

Note to self: make super villain costume red spandex.

Or is that just what it is now?

This super soldier guy, they got him situated on the basement floor, a real shitty kind of set up that makes Bucharest look like the fucking Ritz Carlton -- and this dude sure would know a lot about Bucharest, right? …... How do I know that, though? — There's not a single picture, not a decoration, I'm surprised there were bedsheets for the guy. All that money Tony Stark has and he can't even splurge on a nice duvet?

_Fucking rude_.

"Come out, come out, you little super soldier. Wade-y wants to play a little~." The sound echoes, and if there was a fucking light in this damn room I could probably tell if the guy was even in there with me, or if I'm looking like a jackass just coaxing out nobody.

Oh well, I like playing hide and seek.

"Come out, you little fucker. I didn't search this long for you to hide from me now. I'm not trying to talk to that All-American-Captain-Asshole, now where the hell are you?!"

My temper flares and I make a kick for something in the darkness -- a tshirt that goes flying into the opposite wall with about as much force as anyone could expect a piece of clothing to have.

Which is literally none.

"Ah! Fuck! You're making this real difficult, guy. I wanted to do shit the easy way and now--"

"What are you doing here?"

One more second and everything would have been sliced, diced and julienned. Damn.

He doesn't sound the least bit like that Captain dude -- he's got a voice that sounds like he's had too many cigarettes, like he's definitely seen some serious shit in his days, not all righteous and full of justice. How the hell did he become an Avenger? Shit, I should have got an invitation, if that's the case.

(And I _will_ be waiting patiently by my mailbox for one, Tony Stark.)

"Well, howdy. Wade Wilson, sir. Mercenary by day and... Well, mercenary in red spandex by night." Now that I have a idea where the voice is coming from, I can kind of make out the giant black mass that a producing it. And it kinda looks like a demon, but in the way where a coat hanging off a chair also looks like a demon in the dark.

He could be a 15 year old kid, for all I know. I just hope he doesn't wear red and black too, that's really kind of my thing...

"And, my good friend. Word on the street is that you've got the same blue super soldier goo running though you too, don'cha? That almost makes is brothers right? I guess that makes me brothers with Captain Justice-fuck too, but he's kinda like the adopted one in the family. That uncle we don't really talk about or see, and he sends us a Chris--"

"What do you want?"

Is this guy serious? I wasn't done.

"Okay. _Rude_. Are you saying you've never been curious about the rest of us? Where's your sense of camaraderie, and all that other bullshit these Avenging guys talk about?" Squinting, I'm still trying to see if he's an actual demon, an actual coat on the back of a chair, or a human being of some sort. "And, really, could you turn on a fucking light or something, King of Darkness?"

The sound of his annoyance turns me on, is that fucked up?

Light! Sweet, glorious light fills the room and, unfortunately this guy is neither a demon ( _fucking lame_.), nor a coat on the back of a chair ( _less fucking lame_.), but just a regular fucking guy with...

"YOUR FUCKING ARM IS METAL?!" Subtlety hasn't ever been my strong suit, so sue me. "Are you fucking with me right now? Does it shoot lasers and shit? How did they do it? Is the little star some kind of Russian thing? Are you like special forces? A spy?"

Oh, this mother fucker is fuming.

And it doesn't help that I'm in full investigation mode on his cyborg. I wonder if it's detachable, I wonder if it's like jerking off after you've sat on your hand until it's fallen asleep.

Not that I'm familiar. I saw it on YouTube. I swear.  
(But for those of you that want to know…. it feels _fucking_  awesome.)

"You're really annoying." It's a response that doesn't answer any of my questions. And I really was giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. No one wants to do things the easy way. Do I look like a pushover or something?

Should I have made the suit green? Is red not serious enough?

"Okay. We'll do it this way then, hold on." Patting at the legs and chest of my suit, I make a whole ordeal of looking for pockets that don't exist (yeah, yeah, it was a design flaw on my part, do I look like fucking Ralph Lauren or something?) "Fuck, left it in my other suit, looks like it's from memory then."

This is where it gets fun, strap in folks. Ol' Deadpool is about to strike a nerve.

"James Buchanan Barnes, born March 10, 1917 -- and I gotta say, you have aged well, Sir, like a fine fine wine -- Subject number: 32557038."

That did it, alright. He tensed up and the metal of his fingers didn't make a single sound as he curled them into a fist -- that was some high quality shit, why the hell wasn't I given the sweet mechanical limb option? How much fucking cooler would I have been with a mechanical arm?!

"How do you know that?"

"You think I don't do my research? Do I look like some fucking amateur?” 

Let the record state that I, Wade Wilson, am no fucking amateur. I might be many other things, but amateur is not one of them.

“I did my research, Jimmy."

“ _Bucky_.” He corrects me, and let me be real with all of you guys here, neither one sounds like the kind of nickname that his dude would have. Just doesn’t have that ‘oomph’ that got along with his sick metal arm. Bucky sounds more like something you name your new pet puppy.

Aww, maybe this guy really was a puppy inside all that angsty darkness.

“Okay, _Bucky_ ,” Insert the hardest eyeroll that anyone had ever seen, here. “How did you manage to get caught up with Stark and his cronies? You don’t exactly seem like the righteous type.” The metal on his arm makes hardly any noise as I poke and prod at it, and he doesn’t make any kind of move to stop me, just keeps on glaring at me like maybe he has the ability to shoot lasers out of his eyes.

Shit. I really hope he doesn’t. Regrowing limbs is a fucking pain in the ass. And that shit kinda hurts too, if I’m gonna be honest with you.

“Steve’s my friend…”

_Real_ talkative type. I need a second to let all that social commentary to sink in.

Really, though. He’s captain spangly suit’s friend? “Steve? That justice-y mother fucker? You’re kidding right? What do you guys sit and talk about? No, really, I’m listening, I wanna know. Do you guys sit an reminisce about record players, black and white TV and… fuck, what else? The American way?” I can’t stop the laughter, I was really trying to be serious with this guy (Well…. Kinda…), but just thinking about him with Captain Righteous and the fuckboy bunch...

I mean, c’mon. How unlikely of a duo could those two be? I would pay money to see that.

Apparently, so did around ten thousand other people worldwide.

Somewhere in the distance, alarms sound, apparently my red suit thing only worked until Stark security realized that not every guy in a costume is a good guy (not that I’m a bad one… you know, good and bad is really a subjective thing…) and that’s my cue to get my spandex’d ass out of there. The corners of the room are equipped with security cameras, and at any minute I’m sure Steve And-the-home-of-the-brave Rogers will come busting in with his shield blazing.

“That sounds like someone knows I’m here. It’s been a real fun time there, Bucky, but if it’s all the same to you I would rather not get caught up in the all the glory and gun—"

The door swings open and there’s the spangly fucker himself. Damn, he was really a whole lot faster than I had thought. How come these two assholes got all the cool abilities when it came to the serum? All I got was this fucked up old avocado’s fucking face!

Did no one think that maybe I would want a metal arm, an adamantium skeleton, the ability to move really fucking fast? Of course not, nobody ever goes around asking old Wade what he wants!

“Captain.” I give the confused super soldier a nod, making a bee-line out the window and to safety… at least for another day.

\---

“Who was that…?” Steve questioned, his attention turned to Bucky and a confused expression taking over his features. The costumed man had moved too fast for Steve to feel the need to chase after him. As long as he was clear of the compound, he wasn’t a worry in the man’s mind anymore.

He’d wait for him to show up again, guys like him couldn’t stay away, if history proved to be any indication of anything — crooks always returned to the scene of the crime.

“…. Just some annoying fucker.” Bucky replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

Steve exhaled a sigh, rubbing at his forehead with the slightest bit of disappointed annoyance. “Buck, really. _Language_."


End file.
